trespasses against ourselves

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We could spend an eternity trying to rid ourselves of the things we yearn to forget, and an eternity trying to remember that beautiful thing that you know happened, you know you felt, you know you thought, but you cannot quite hold onto. It is a fleeting essence, on the tip of your consciousness, it is nothing. Because the memory is no longer there, just its shadow, and shadows are always the darkest part of something very real. It gives the shadows roots, and they begin to anchor you to the now, permit you to wilt within the darkness rather than grow out of it.

The things we should hold onto dearly we never do, and that which holds us down, disables us, that which we let win, we remember. It sinks into our skin, we soak it up until it is no longer something that happened, but it is a part of us, something which defines us and roots us to the earth.

How to untangle ourselves from something so integral to who we are. How to wash away that which makes our skins feel like tar, our breaths poison and our touches numb.

As time passes we keep running, never stopping, like a gale we move with abandon and desperation. Running from something we do not even fully understand. But we are not fleeing from the past, we are fleeing from ourselves because they can become synonymous.

It can take a long to realise that we are not running from the past, but from ourselves. We are not running from our pasts, but running toward them. What we can do to ourselves, is worse than anything anyone else could ever inflict upon us, because even though we may not fully know ourselves, we know exactly how to burn.

I have hurt myself, more than anyone else ever could. And this realisation is my most liberating and terrifying realisation to date. Terrifying, because I have spent so long torturing myself over something I have full control over. If we are the ones hurting ourselves, then only we have the power to stop that hurt and forgive ourselves for our own trespasses against us.

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utterly and uniquely yours

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That’s the thing with waiting, it stops you from really living if you let it.

Sometimes hope is a burden, sometimes it’s a blessing. The best things in life are an antithesis to themselves, they have the power to make us feel and be, both beautiful and wretched. There is something life affirming in any extreme. To let yourself feel, is to let yourself live, and that means the good with the bad, day in day out.

So we wait and we hope.

We hope that something will come along that will make everything worthwhile, that will make things make sense, that will ease our pain, make us cry with laughter, make us strive for greatness, make us feel reckless and beautiful, help us understand what it is to be selfless, take away our fear.

We wait, and we hope and we miss out on what’s happening right now, right in front of us.

That’s the thing with waiting, it stops you from really living if you let it.

It’s a burden and a blessing.

Trust that you are enough, you can let go and free-fall into life and that it will be both beautiful, wretched. A life that is utterly and uniquely yours.

So don’t wait, live.

Trust yourself not to regret a moment.

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new year, less fear

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Fear is the only thing holding me back from achieving anything and everything I want to achieve in my life.

I have always put myself out of my comfort zone, always done things which all my friends tell me I am daring and a little crazy for. The thing is, very few of the things I have done are things I am afraid of. They’re just things other people are afraid of, so while I am doing something which just makes sense or seems like a bit of fun, other people think I am off my rocker with balls the size of tractor tyres.

I end up limiting what I want to do because of peoples reactions to my behaviour. I am afraid of lots of things, I am not fearless like people think and having to hide that is knackering.

So now it’s time for me to fit into my skin, push my boundaries, find my limits and live my life to the fullest so that I can show myself exactly where my value lies.

If I want to do something but I am worried or afraid of the consequences, I WILL do it as long as it won’t harm other people in the process.

I’m doing this for me, because I want to know what I am capable of and to see in myself what everyone else seems to see.

Game on.