trespasses against ourselves

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We could spend an eternity trying to rid ourselves of the things we yearn to forget, and an eternity trying to remember that beautiful thing that you know happened, you know you felt, you know you thought, but you cannot quite hold onto. It is a fleeting essence, on the tip of your consciousness, it is nothing. Because the memory is no longer there, just its shadow, and shadows are always the darkest part of something very real. It gives the shadows roots, and they begin to anchor you to the now, permit you to wilt within the darkness rather than grow out of it.

The things we should hold onto dearly we never do, and that which holds us down, disables us, that which we let win, we remember. It sinks into our skin, we soak it up until it is no longer something that happened, but it is a part of us, something which defines us and roots us to the earth.

How to untangle ourselves from something so integral to who we are. How to wash away that which makes our skins feel like tar, our breaths poison and our touches numb.

As time passes we keep running, never stopping, like a gale we move with abandon and desperation. Running from something we do not even fully understand. But we are not fleeing from the past, we are fleeing from ourselves because they can become synonymous.

It can take a long to realise that we are not running from the past, but from ourselves. We are not running from our pasts, but running toward them. What we can do to ourselves, is worse than anything anyone else could ever inflict upon us, because even though we may not fully know ourselves, we know exactly how to burn.

I have hurt myself, more than anyone else ever could. And this realisation is my most liberating and terrifying realisation to date. Terrifying, because I have spent so long torturing myself over something I have full control over. If we are the ones hurting ourselves, then only we have the power to stop that hurt and forgive ourselves for our own trespasses against us.

follow the author Harriette Arellano-Setterington on Google

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utterly and uniquely yours

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That’s the thing with waiting, it stops you from really living if you let it.

Sometimes hope is a burden, sometimes it’s a blessing. The best things in life are an antithesis to themselves, they have the power to make us feel and be, both beautiful and wretched. There is something life affirming in any extreme. To let yourself feel, is to let yourself live, and that means the good with the bad, day in day out.

So we wait and we hope.

We hope that something will come along that will make everything worthwhile, that will make things make sense, that will ease our pain, make us cry with laughter, make us strive for greatness, make us feel reckless and beautiful, help us understand what it is to be selfless, take away our fear.

We wait, and we hope and we miss out on what’s happening right now, right in front of us.

That’s the thing with waiting, it stops you from really living if you let it.

It’s a burden and a blessing.

Trust that you are enough, you can let go and free-fall into life and that it will be both beautiful, wretched. A life that is utterly and uniquely yours.

So don’t wait, live.

Trust yourself not to regret a moment.

follow the author Harriette Arellano-Setterington on Google

beauty before the beast

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Been thinking a lot lately about the idea of stereotypes, labels, judgments and beauty standards.

An article I previously re-blogged talked about doing away with beauty standards and this is inherently to do with labels and negative undercurrents in the way we think.

It is standard discourse now – and has been for a long time – to call for the breakdown of stereotypes and labels.

I understand why people call for this, but I think it is impossible.

How can you breakdown something which is a fundamental part of language and a way in which our brain internalises information?

We understand something is what it is, what it does and why it does it, based on putting it in particular categories based on our sensory interpretations. We understand a table is a table because it has legs, stands off the floor and you put things on it (loosely speaking). It feels solid, it looks like a table. There. We have subconsciously defined it. Given it a label, a category, a stereotype, with no conscious effort.

If we didn’t have such cemented categories and labels then we would find it increasingly difficult to determine between a table, a chair and a shelf – for example. I understand that tables and people are not the same! I am not suggesting that I am like a table. I don’t imagine it would end well for the person who decided to put their feet up on my back. A table is not reactive (technological innovation not withstanding), but people are. We are sentient, which is where the labelling issue blurs.

So how – when the whole concept behind the human language is to apply a label to something in order to understand it – are we to break down these categories and stereotypes?

Instead of disbanding these labels, perhaps what we should do is aim for a more fluid method of understanding and internalising the information we receive about someone or something?

A radical overhaul of how we think and talk about each other, as opposed to how we categorise people to build assumptions about them and their potential behaviour?

Is it so terrible to apply a label and make assumptions providing that you understand that they are just that, assumptions?

Were we not to take advantage of our ability to reflect, question and be reflexive, might we do away with the emphasis placed on stereotypes and labels as opposed to disbanding them altogether?

Putting our efforts into changing the way we think about ourselves, each other and the things around us rather than fighting to disband labels and categories can help breakdown the issues associated with stereotypes in the first place. In doing so, they may not carry the same weight they do now, and help breed an environment where people see the beauty before the beast.

Beauty Standards Are Bullshit

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“But seriously, you guys, we have to get out of this cycle of putting each other down, criticizing each others’ looks, and making each other feel bad. The best way to fight the patriarchy is to stand united. The best way to empower ourselves is to celebrate all body types. The best way to fuck with beauty standards is not to change them, but to do away with them all together.”

The Belle Jar

You’ve probably heard that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14.

Or a size 16, or a size 12, or a size 10, depending on who you ask.

Whatever number someone quotes you, the message is always the same: our standards of beauty have changed, and not for the better. The women whose bodies we worship now are thin and sickly, all of them suffering from eating disorders. Things aren’t how they were before, when we appreciated “real,” “normal,” “average” bodies. Our current standards of beauty should serve as evidence of how deeply fucked up our society is; we ought to return to our parents’ and grandparents’ ideals.

This whole concept is so popular that there have been a string of memes made about it:

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You know what makes me say fuck society? The fact that we think it’s totally cool to compare two women and declare one of them the…

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new year, less fear

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Fear is the only thing holding me back from achieving anything and everything I want to achieve in my life.

I have always put myself out of my comfort zone, always done things which all my friends tell me I am daring and a little crazy for. The thing is, very few of the things I have done are things I am afraid of. They’re just things other people are afraid of, so while I am doing something which just makes sense or seems like a bit of fun, other people think I am off my rocker with balls the size of tractor tyres.

I end up limiting what I want to do because of peoples reactions to my behaviour. I am afraid of lots of things, I am not fearless like people think and having to hide that is knackering.

So now it’s time for me to fit into my skin, push my boundaries, find my limits and live my life to the fullest so that I can show myself exactly where my value lies.

If I want to do something but I am worried or afraid of the consequences, I WILL do it as long as it won’t harm other people in the process.

I’m doing this for me, because I want to know what I am capable of and to see in myself what everyone else seems to see.

Game on.

beauty and the beast

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I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about how we think about ourselves physically, and believe that the way we think about the way we look and the way we are, are two sides of the same coin.

I think that the fear of being labelled as arrogant, vain, shallow or self-absorbed might actually make us focus less on what we like about ourselves, and more on the things we don’t like. Or perhaps even, to acknowledge or notice flaws or faults that we did not initially recognise as ‘bad’ things to begin with, because it is a social faux pas to think that you are beautiful or handsome.

People tell me that it takes strength to admit your weaknesses, and it does. Acknowledging what you are bad at is difficult. However, you shore up the vulnerability you expose yourself to by admitting the weakness in the first place.

There is strength in knowing what you are bad at, but acknowledging what we are good at and like – let alone love – about ourselves is even more difficult, and makes us vulnerable to criticism. As a nation, we care way too much about what other people think about the way we look, but don’t actually seem to like the way we look and undervalue our own opinions.

It seems ingrained that we think that thinking highly of ourselves, being proud of our appearance and displaying confidence are bad things. That there is weakness in these characteristics, and maybe there is if you harness them in certain ways, but how is acknowledging the things you like about yourself a weakness? How is acknowledging a truth or your positive feelings about who you are and the way you lo0k endemic of haughtiness or arrogance? I think real strength lies in really knowing who you are, the good and the bad, the beauty and the beast.

Everyone tells me I am attractive, beautiful even. But I have been incapable – until recently – of even acknowledging what anyone else sees.

Now, I seem to have reached a place with myself physically where I no longer hate the way I look, and I acknowledge how other people see me and what others think, but I still struggle to see it. I understand that I am beautiful because it is what people say, but it isn’t often that I see it with my own eyes.

On that rare occasion where I do sit down in front of the mirror and think ‘I look beautiful today’, I instantly scold myself for the thought. I scold myself because I think that it is bad for me to think this. Luckily I am mostly past the absurd idea that I am only beautiful if other people think I am, that my opinion is irrelevant and mostly past scolding myself for acknowledging the fact that I am beautiful – even if I don’t quite see it the way others do. I’m a work in progress.

The more comfortable I am with the way I am,  the more I see and like the way I look, and the less afraid I am to admit that I am both beauty and the beast. We all are beauty, and we are all the beast.

It’s a powerful feeling. But the most powerful feeling of all comes not from the days I think I look beautiful, but from the days when I don’t even notice the way I look. I don’t feel the need to judge myself, I just let myself enjoy the moment, and nothing else matters.

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